A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
How software testing works
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”