A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
You Might Also Like
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
There is wisdom there.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
😲 WTF? 😆
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.