Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
You Might Also Like
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Yeah. This was me today.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry