A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.