me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
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Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”