Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
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A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.