The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
fourth time’s the charm
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Finally, a door that understands me
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.