[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
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Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE