[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
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Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
When you’ve simply given up.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]