sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
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Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.