Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
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I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.