My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
time for some seasonal decor
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.