I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
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alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!