I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
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If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
sleeping beauty
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room