Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
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I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m tired tomorrow.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Oh no
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.