does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
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The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.