Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
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How times have changed.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.