Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
You Might Also Like
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]