My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
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I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.