“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.