The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
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Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Poetry is my passion
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
channeling her this year
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.