ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
he was correct
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*