[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
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Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
best review i’ve ever seen
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun