How to find Kentucky on a map
You Might Also Like
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Me, in DM rooms…
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
a badder mouse
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|