I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
the pigeons are already plenty salty
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
all bases covered
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork