Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
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Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…