[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
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the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.