my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
You Might Also Like
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My life in a nutshell
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”