“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
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I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
💻🤡
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.