I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
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I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?