Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
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Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
live, laugh, laundry.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.