app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
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Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Vodka burrito was a success
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.