A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
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I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me