I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
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I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.