When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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I laughed at this way too hard.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok