Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
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Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!