I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
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Mad Max Arctic Road
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
The glockness monster
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
j o i m p
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*