Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable