My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
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My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
at ease…shoulder.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk