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My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
This makes total sense…
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Jurassic park gets weird
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.