There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
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The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Okay, I’m still confused…
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
That’s fair
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect