[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
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justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.