I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
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Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*