The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Hell yeah 👍
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men