According to math, I’m broke
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My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Florida be like…
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.