I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
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I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Oh my god
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.