When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*