yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
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Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
He a real one for that
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.