Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
You Might Also Like
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I wish this was real life…
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it