It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
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How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]